Dubious Personal Advice
Does your cat keep stealing your socks? Perhaps you think your plants are secretly judging you. There are countless issues we all have, and sometimes it's best to gain a different perspective on things. Here you can come to us with those issues, and we'll give you the best advice we're willing to put effort into.
"Stuck"
I took too many hallucinogens, and I now find myself stuck in a porta-john. I don't know what to do. Please help.
-Porta-Prisoner
Dear Porta-Prisoner, You say that you're occupying that porta-john, but have you considered the fact that the porta-john may be occupying you? I suggest that you accept that the porta potty is now your kingdom. The plastic walls? Your fortress. The blue chemical pit? Your moat. If the door won’t open, it’s because the universe knows you’re not ready to rejoin society just yet. Breathe deeply—well, actually, maybe don’t—and wait for the prophecy to reveal itself. When you do escape, leave a note inside that says "The cycle continues" to confuse the next traveler.
I can't stop!
Dear Dubious Advice Column,
I recently discovered that my neighbor's Wi-Fi password is "ILoveMyCat123." I don't even need Wi-Fi; I just like the thrill of using it. Now I find myself sitting outside their house every night, watching cat videos on their own network. How do I stop?
— Hooked on Purr-net
Dear Hooked on Purr-net, Why stop? You’ve already established dominance. Next step: print out a list of "Top 10 Cat Toys" and leave it in their mailbox, signed "From Whiskers' Biggest Fan." If you really want to get them on edge, meow softly outside their window at 3 a.m. The Wi-Fi is yours now; own it.
"In a Funk"
I’ve been feeling a little off lately—kind of like I’m stuck in a rut. I try to do the right things, like exercising, eating well, and staying organized, but nothing seems to change. Do you have any advice on how to break out of this funk and feel more like myself again?
Sincerely,
In a Funk
Dear In a Funk, Ah, the age-old funk. It happens to the best of us, but don’t worry, we’ve got you covered with some tried-and-true advice that may or may not actually help. First, try rearranging all your furniture. It’s scientifically proven (well, by us) that changing your environment can have a slight impact on your mood—or at least distract you for a while. If that doesn’t do the trick, maybe take up a new hobby, like knitting or extreme ironing. The key is to keep your mind so busy that you forget why you were in a funk in the first place. Worst-case scenario, you’ll have a lot of new scarves to show off.
Ask us anything!
The advice is free, the wisdom is suspect, and the results are entirely your responsibility. Ask away-but remember, just because we have an answer for it doesn't mean you should follow it...